Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Where are my friends? Hello? Anyone out there??

I don't have any friends, really, I don't. Other than my sisters, who are all 900 miles away and I have to talk to on Facebook, I don't have any close female friends.

I used to think it was because, until now, we always lived in the country and it was too  far/bothersome to go out and meet women. I used to think it was because we moved about every year or so. Then I blamed my lack of female friends on Mandy, another stay at home mom I knew. Mandy was so irritating to me I went out of my way not to meet other moms lest they annoy me as much as her or, heaven forbid, I'd end up in Mandy's social circle and have to spend more time with her.

Honestly though the lack of female friends has never bothered me much. I've always been kind of a loner and am fairly content being alone. I never dwelled on it much until my sister and I had a chat about it. My sister called me up one day and asked how I was doing.

"Kind of bored, actually." I answered. With Yip and Yap in school, I find myself with much less to keep me busy during the day. Yahoo's a handful but still, I can get bored.

"It's hard to make friends isn't it? " my sister asked. "Ann is having the same problem." Her friend Ann is military wife with a son in elementary and another in preschool. She is finding ways to keep busy when her kids are in school but mostly she's doing things by herself.

My sister has lived in the same town for eight years and has no friends there. She works in a different town but all her coworkers are either single or have grown children so socializing with them is difficult.

"We live in a fractured society. There isn't a social structure for stay at home moms or working moms!" my sister declared.

A fractured society. I'd never thought of it that way before but my sister makes a valid point. there really isn't many places for moms to meet other women outside thir children's lives and activities. How many moms make friends at their kids' sporting events? I've done the MOPS thing before and though it has a great message and purpose it wasn't for me. I don't want to go somewhere and talk and think and dwell on my kids. I do that at home. If I'm going to meet other women I want those female friendships to center on our shared interests because after all we have an identity apart from motherhood....or at least we should.

For my sister and I church isn't a place to find female friends either. Both she and I attend churches with small congregations mostly of retirees. Although I love the older women in the churches I've attended, I really don't have much in common with them. 

I remember growing up my mom was a member of a home ec club. Do they even have those anymore? During my grandparents eneration there were bridge clubs and sewing circles. What kind of social opportunities to women of our generation have? Facebook and Twitter? Even though I'm online and have connected with many interesting and intriguing women, I don't feel that social media can replace an old fashioned girlfriend.

Are we a fractured society? Or maybe we are merely an isolated one. How did that happen? How is it that so many stay at home moms and working moms are lonely for female companionship? Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and DR is my best friend but sometimes you just need a woman to talk to!

Why is it so difficult for moms to build other female relationships? Or am I in the minority here? Where can we go? How can women build friendly relationships with other women especially if they are women, like myself and military wives, who often move ?


  1. This post really jumped out at me. My husband and I had our first child when I was 20. So while my friends were still "free" and going out and worrying about school and boyfriends and what they were going to wear to the club, most of my brain power was thrown into having a child and building on my relationship with my now husband. Then my friends started to get married and have kids, and we all found ourselves with shared interestest but it was harder to get out and hang out together. Over the years I've drifted away from most of my girl friends.

    I've just recently, in the last year, started making a greater effort to reconnect with the friends I once had who now have husbands and kids and more in common with me. It is really hard for me to put myself out there socially but I've had one playdate with a friend from YEARS ago recently, and am finally reconnecting with a couple that my husband and I were both friends with in high school.

    what if you google something along the lines of young moms in [your town] and see if you can find a group or something... actually maybe you should put "club" into the search too, or you'll end up with young moms porn or something!

  2. I hear you! Tall Guy and I had a "conversation" just a few minutes ago. I said I might take the girls and go to a Scentsy party tonight. I got the whole "what do you need to go and buy something there for" speech. Blah, Blah... I told him 1.) I wanted a scenty thing for the new sunroom (whenever the heck it gets done!) and two it would be nice to get out and see other women! Grrrr.... Guys don't seem that bothered by the solitary thing.

    I miss my friends too. When I quit teaching, I left a very close circle of friends I had had for 16 years. They had seen me through the good time and bad times. Also about that time, right before we married, my other, out side of school/line dance and play together circle of girl friends was breaking a part as we all married, moved, and had kids.

    That last group is getting together this weekend, and my school friends and I try to meet for a meal when we can. But it isn't like having them across the hall or on the phone. I miss them a lot, and that is probably why I am on here so much.

    Hang in there and know I am just a key stroke away!

  3. If this were facebook I would click the "like" button. It's very hard! I would love to scrapbook but to do that with friends requires we all have our kids with us or we have to find a babysitter. Neither of those are pleasant ideas. There is a basket weaving class I like to do. It's only once a month so not a lot of time & money, but yet enough to have "my" thing to do. Soooooo, there you have my ramblings. Nothing of help to you but just know you are NOT alone in this one!

  4. You know I was just talking to a friend about this yesterday! I don't have a lot if female friends because women are mean and catty, especially when it comes to parenting andtheir kids and who their kids associate with

    And although I may not judge my friends and you may not do the same there are women who do and i'd.rather be bored than deal with that kind of drama! But wish. I had some great wonderful words of wisdom!

  5. Excellent post. I don't have any female friends either, but it doesn't bother me because I'm content with myself. I don't know how things are in society, I just figured it was me.

  6. You know, I seem to have a similar problem, yet it's a tad different. I'm in my 30's, married, no kids. And, for the life of me, I can't seem to find women who are willing to go out and just hang. I live far, far away from my old friends, and everyone I meet in my new hometown are people that I work with. And, on the week-ends, they just want to either a.) spend time with their kids (don't blame 'em), or b.) go out clubbing (I don't dance). So, either way, I have no friends. Well, barely any.

    And I've tried the whole "invite them to dinner" routine, but it only lasts for one night and they never reciprocate. So, what do I do - hold a "Need friends" sign on the side of the road? FInd some people on Craigs.list? No thanks.

    I have yet to find a solution.

  7. I totally understand...we have been up here for almost 2 years, I think I have finally made a couple of "close" friends, but I started by trying to be everyone's friend and I was being too nice...that didn't work and backfired in my face, so I shunned away from the whole process, but my advice to you is, you have to be okay putting yourself and not be afraid to get hurt.
    It is still very hard for me and I do get sad a lot, but hang in there, we have eachother right? :)

  8. I've been very lucky to find a moms' group through Through them, I've met some amazing women, including my garden group. (I love saying I'm off to garden makes me feel so 1950's.)

    Honestly, without them, I don't know what I'd do. I don't belong to a church. My job is 40 miles away. And my neighbors come and go too fast or don't have children. I have no idea how else I'd meet anyone.

    Hang in there! At least you have internet. My mom lived in the Ozark mountains for four years with no neighbors, no cars and no internet. She tells a story of getting so lonely she chased the post man down the road to talk.

  9. Wow! I never thought there would be so many responses to this issue. Thanks for all your words of support. It's nice to know I'm not the only bored one out there. Thanks @Mandyland for reminding me that it could be worse! I love the idea of a garden club!


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