Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Christmas Letter of Failure

I love Christmas cards.....I hate Christmas letters.

Okay, I get the idea...write a letter to let your friends and family know of all the year's happenings. Maybe some Christmas letters are welcome but not the ones my sister and I receive. We get those Christmas letters that boast about the in depth accomplishments of our friends' children, all of whom are of superior intellect and/or athletic ability. We get the Christmas letters the sing the praises of those working moms who hold their families lives and activities in perfect balance and harmony. Really, most of these letters give my sister and I migraines or they put us in a depression after we realize we must be terrible mothers because our kids aren't brilliant in 101 different areas.

My sister finally had enough! This year she and her husband poked fun at themselves and wrote their Christmas letter of failure, highlighting all the ways they and their children aren't living in perfect harmony! It's hilarious...especially if you know my three little nephews.

So, I'm sharing my sister Rose's Christmas letter of failure with you today.
Hoping this will give you a bit of a Christmas laugh during what may be a time of Christmas stress...enjoy!

P.S. - If you personally know my sister make sure you read the whole letter for the biggest parenting "failure" of all towards the end.

Greetings! We had another red letter year for the Bailey's. What? Is our car not good enough for you? Anyway, I will stop digressing from the movie "It's a Wonderful Life." The year has come and gone in a blur of constant chaos and moments. Travis hasn't learned to say no and decided it would be a good idea to be president of ag teachers of Indiana, chief negotiator for the teacher's union, member of several committees and tasks force groups along with regular FFA duties and activities. Basically, he's married to the job.

Rose, anticipating this lack of slow down, decided to throw her hat at teaching ag and coaching FFA teams again, as well as piloting a new curriculum. She still doesn't realize teaching middle school will eventually lead to certifiable insanity.

Highlights of the year included a summer vacation to Sidney, OH. Never heard of it? Neither have we. Even the locals asked why we were there. The hotel had air conditioning and possibly some illegal narcotic activity. We went to the zoo and Dayton Air Force Museum to save the vacation from the certain doom of Sidney, it's icky playground by a waste treatment plant, and it's pathetic, solitary ice cream stand.

Graham celebrated his 1st birthday. He's the snottiest child in the history of mankind. When he learned to scoot, we could track his slime trail like a snail. Outside the leakage, he's a happy, healthy baby. We've been lucky to avoid the volcanic vomit and poop of previous babies.

Noah is a bundle of energy and always under one of his alter egos. We're running out of monsters and super heros. He has also perfected his happy meal radar and can smell golden arches from 100 mile radius. Noah is a clever boy. We recently learned he disposed his soiled underpants in the babysitter's yard to avoid punishment. She never discovered them and he maintained his status of "good kid".

Lucas, the time and energy vacuum, has reached 1st grade with minimal damage to all bystanders. Homework is tough, school is tough, and even recess can be a chore. He still enjoys school and is working to be a better student. We are learning to be parents of a child of autism, consulting books and assaulting professionals with questions. Lucas no longer licks people, at least not lately. And he only bit Joey once.

We are happy and healthy and our family has an addition. A cat and two gerbils, who rank above Noah and Graham in Lucas's eyes. We did go through two pet mice, who died, before going for the hardier gerbils.

We have had a good year. We are a year wiser and the boys are a year older. We are not that wise because despite our combined four college degrees and licenses to teach science, we have once again failed to in our understanding of human reproduction and are pregnant again.... SURPRISE!!

Merry Christmas from Travis, Rose, Lucas, Noah, and Graham.


  1. Oh My Goodness! How funny! Pregnancy came up at a Christmas gathering. I was holding our little nephew, and someone inevitably mentioned I looked good holding one of those! I will officially be in menopause in February, BUT I swear everyone in the room had to chime in to tell me about women in their 50's and 60's being pregnant!

    Did I SERIOUSLY need to hear that? Merry :-P Christmas to them ;-)

    Merry Christmas to you. Glad to see you are up and about after your crazy travel days!

  2. So Funny! That is a letter I would happily read through:o) We got 4 Christmas letters so far, 2 were welcome (though one made me pretty jealous), and 2 were from relatives I've met once and hadn't really thought about since then. Oh well :o)

    Congrats to your sister!

  3. That is funny! Sounds like something my husband would write. (he does our letters) This year wasn't as funny, although he did write it at 3 am under pressure that it must get in the mail. I think the best line of ours this year was -- "She's done a great job of not grabbing the Christmas tree - I really don't think her hands being duct taped to her head has anything to do with that - she's just naturally well behaved." :)

    **disclaimer, we do not have our 10 month olds hand duct taped. . .but it sounded good in the letter

    Something I did see someone do & this would be a good one for your family. This person found objects of places/things they did through the year. Put it all together with some other stuff & made an I Spy picture. Typed up a very short description & then kids could look at the letter to find the different objects.

  4. Thank you for a good laugh! That was sooo funny. I thought about doing a christmas letter once and then got over myself. I love the christmas cards that show you a montage of places people have been on vacation. Our card would be a montage of a pasture. 'here we are...again....because we don't go anywhere...ever.

  5. This is sheer brilliance!
    I am so writing one of these next year and mailing it out!

  6. OMGosh that was awesome!! I don't do the whole letter thing...but if I did, I think I would lean more toward your sis's take on it! Fantabuous!!!

    Merry Christmas

  7. That is a letter I would really enjoy receiving.

    We only one time were moved to write a Christmas letter and it was the same type of letter. It was after 2 years of not sending out gifts or cards ... we thought we should explain that after 10 years of marriage we had finally had children ... 3 in 15 months ... and we were up to our eyebrows in dirty diapers and boogers.

    Merry Christmas to you all and congrats to your sister.

  8. My Superman's mom does a Christmas letter every year... and this year's was rather interesting...

    In last year's letter, she referred to me as "Superman's girlfriend, who is going to school for Education in Chicago." This year, I was "Superman's close friend, who we just adore." Um, CLOSE FRIEND? Did she know something I didn't? Was he gonna get rid of me?

    When he proposed three days before Christmas, she said that he should have told her his plan- then she would have put "fiancee" in the letter. That would have been much better than "close friend!"


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